Last night’s trip to the local Vue cinema:
£10.25 per ticket, which couldn’t be purchased at the ticket office because that was closed, so had to be bought from the concessions stand and therefore involved a lot of angry people missing the start of their movies because they were queuing behind people who were buying tubs of popcorn…
…But not hot dogs, because they’d run out of hot dogs by 7.40pm on a Thursday night.
Usually the projection at the Vue cinemas is woeful (out of focus, out of rack etc) but this was a digital projection, so they couldn’t fuck it up…
…Oh, except that the projector was a little weaker than it should have been given its distance from the screen…
…Although the weakness of the image could be attributed to the fact that the cinema refuses to bring the house lights all the way down at the start of the movie for “health and safety reasons”. There was therefore a mis-aligned spotlight shining onto the right hand side of the screen for THREE HOURS.
Before the movie started, we were treated to several stern lectures and warnings about film piracy. Apparently it’s a crime to be taken very seriously because it’s destroying the entertainment industry.
Is. It. Fuck.
Cinema exhibition is dying because the big cinema exhibitors are greedy, arrogant, incompetent shitstains who care more about flogging snacks than showing movies and who have been butt-raping the public too hard and too long.
Last night’s outing cost about £30 (double that if we’d needed a babysitter).
Regardless of the quality of the movie, the quality of the cinema experience was shit.
The Blu-Ray will be out in a couple of months and will cost £15. I can watch it at home whenever, with whoever and as often as I want.
Cinema (the place, not the form) is indeed dead. But it wasn’t killed by pirates, it was fucked to death by fat sweaty middle-aged white men who weren’t smart enough to keep one of the simplest business models in the world ticking over.
R.I. fucking P.
R I fucking P. Good work, Dastardly
Too fucking right. I would raise my popcorn in the air and salute you but I couldn’t afford it.
It’s been eight years since I went to a cinema, and this is exactly why. When I was a kid, cinemas were grand, theatrical places with a massive sense of occasion (projector light diffracted through cigarette smoke, anyone?) but now they’re just sticky-floored pisspits full of shouty kids yakking on their phones.
I’m lucky enough to live near the BFI, so I manage to see most of what I want to there: no ads or trailers, no food in the cinema, an engaged audience and fairly priced tickets. The last film I went to see at a ‘normal’ cinema was Son of Rambow, and it was a bloody nightmare.
I haven’t visited a cinema in over 10 years. The only ones nearly close by show ALL the films I do not want to see… Have no idea how they manage to do this. Stunningly clever of ‘em.
this is great.
& what exactly is the current big draw at the mo, blockbuster-wise btw? the film that you simply have to see on the big screen therefore justifying their existence and not wait till DVD etc? I mean you’d say Avatar but even that was usurped by the 3D version lol.
*slow claps*
Once again Julian, you took the words right out of my mouth! Now sit down I can’t see the internet. *throws popcorn at you and counts 50p, a pound, pound 50, two pound!*
I love the cinema, and I go once or twice a week as a critic. If I had to pay for that crap (the experience), I doubt I’d go once a month. I totally agree with what you’ve said, and I’ve been singing the same song for years.
Another great post!
I haven’t been to the cinema for years, whereas it used to be one of my favourite things to do of an evening.
Just got sick of over-paying to be annoyed.
We have a local council owned cinema, where entry is less than £4, and on a Thursday morning they do ‘elevenses’-which is a film,a cup of tea or coffee, and free biscuits at 11am-cost £2.50.
I took my friends stepsons and two of their friends to the cinema for their fifteenth birthday, it cost £80.
I can buy a new DVD player and a DVD, for less than £20.
I totally agree – my last trip to Vue involved forking out £11 each for “VIP” seats which were right in the corner, £10 for one packet of maltesers and a coke, a toilet that smelt like an old man’s pub urinal and then £8 for parking for 2 hours. What a rip off. Lovefilm is £3.70 a month for 2 DVDs sent straight to your door – perfect. Agree its going to die out unles they do something – Brixton Ritzy and the Clapham Picturehouse are still old gems but a really expensive night out.
I bloody love you. Marry me now. x
I agree with everything you’ve said.
Now, can you say “3-D”?
This is their brilliant scheme to get people back into those sticky theater seats.
Except it won’t work.
Because the fucking novelty will wear off.
And, they are trying to market 3-D televisions to anyone stupid enough to buy one and wear those ridiculous glasses at home.
Also, 9 of 10 movies made after 1979 are not worth watching in any venue.
Ha,
I totally agree. I blogged about the same thing awhile back (http://tinyurl.com/yaufbxr) only with less swear words.
I HATE going to the movies. I almost never go anymore and that is sad because I love going to movies. Instead I bought a big screen TV and a blu-ray it will have to due.
There has been a steadily growing arrogance within Cinemas over the years. My biggest complaints are: They are too hot in the summer. Why do they have air conditioning! And premium seats which are not regulated and often abused. What else can I shout about
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Well said Julian,
Could not agree more.
Add in half an hour of endless adverts (usually cars for some bizarre fucking reason ) plus trailers and a bum numbing 150 minute movie has you sat in a crampt uncomfortable seat for over three hours often surrounded by complete and utter cunts.
In my experience the people that download illegal pirated movies are the very first in the queue to buy the DVD when it comes out and have hundreds of legally purchased DVD’s on their shelves at home.
Video piracy is just a smokescreen. The fact that it exists at all in it’s current form is testament to the way the whole movie industry is fucked up.
Greed is good my arse.
Not 100% with you on ‘cinema is dead’ – I still love the cinema and some establishments still make it worth my while – but I agree there is something of a crisis a-brewing. …
Tonight I went to the cinema and when asked whether I wanted “premier or regular seats”, I immediately said “regular”. Premier-what? But then I entered the auditorium… 30% of the seats have been labelled “premier” so now I am confined to what is really ‘restricted viewing’. In this day and age I go to the cinema for the experience as much as the film (after all, I could wait a few months and get it for practically the same price on DVD) and so my seat should be “premier” anyway!
I’m still a big fan of the cinema. HOWEVER, I am NOT a fan of Vue cinemas. Either you are also a frequent visitor of Vue Islington or the entire chain is falling apart. The ticket desk at Islington is 7/10 times closed. The food prices are laughably extortionate. Luckily, I don’t think I’ve ever been witness to a poor screening (although there have been some particularly disruptive audiences) but to be honest, Vue can’t go much further down in my estimations.
So true across the UK. Cinema’s are becoming far too expense and this will continue with the hard sell of 3D. I’m lucky if the major one up the road is actually showing anything of interest and even then I stark stacking up the negatives about going…
Brilliant. Sadly true. I do miss you.
Excellent post; am actually writing a piece about how writer-directors struggle to get funding unless they fit a marketing niche.
Haven’t been for nearly two years. Tried to go on a whim at Christmas, film choices were utter shite, drawn on a board in marker. Used to be a great experience for under a fiver, now few can spare the cash. Pull the big velvet curtains and bring back Pearl & Dean
You’re absolutely spot on. We’ve spoken about this before — I’d love to open a proper cinema with fantastic picture and sound and bring some of the showmanship back to the movies.
Elizabeth and I were going to go to the cinema on Saturday. We thought about how much it would cost to buy tickets and something to eat and to pay for the babysitter — then we went to HMV and bought two blu-ray discs for £25. So we really enjoyed Moon — the picture was fantastic and the sound was great too — no-one sat in front of us and there were no idiots talking on their phones. That’s a much better way of spending the cost of one cinema ticket.
At first read I could possibly agree with you on this matter, but I can understand where the cinemas point of view is. Now lets just say that the Cinemas didn’t actually sell snacks? Well they would have no business at all and the cinemas would shut down completely and all movies would be straight to DVD. So I can understand cinema prices being high as they’ve got to turn a profit. Now it seems that you could be basing this on one experience on one cinema…but hey its just a movie as well. I do think ticket prices are shockingly high, I work in one to keep the wolves at the doors, but when about 95% of a cinemas profits comes from snacks, ask yourselves what is going wrong? If the cinemas are raping us with shocking high prices on the concession stands its because they make sweet fa from ticket sales.
I am not saying movie makes don’t do a lot of hard work to make their films, but staff in cinemas work hard to try and get the customers through the doors. You know while I am at it, it sometimes baffles me when folk complain about the prices in cinemas, you know why? Because I would say that of what is sold about 70% is a waste. I don’t know how many times I see bags of pop corn, trays of nachos hardly eaten, I’ve seen drinks cups with a few sips taken out of them and pic n mixs hadly touched. Shit I’ve seen half eaten hot dogs. There must be a lot of flash buggers out there who cannot afford to buy a 2.50 bag of maltesers and leave them lying on the floor un-opened.
So yes, the cinema prices are shockingly high, but half the people don’t even eat what they buy so fuck em. And even at that, you don’t actually have to buy any kind of snacks at the movies. You CHOOSE to buy them. Alternatively if you don’t like the cinema prices take in your own snacks with you. And £10.25 for a cinema ticket? That’s very steep! Where’s that? London?
I’ve never been to Vue Cinemas so really couldn’t comment on them. It’s either been Odeon or Cineworld/UGC and found them to be delightful.
So to wrap up my point…if cinemas are raping you its because the studios are raping the cinemas.
“There must be a lot of flash buggers out there who cannot afford to buy a 2.50 bag of maltesers and leave them lying on the floor un-opened.”
I was supposed to write ‘there must be a lot of flash buggers out there if they CAN afford to buy a £2.50 bag of maltesers and leave them lying on the cinema floor un-opened…’